Im runing out of options

hi im 19 years old and ive been suffering from depression for over a year now. it i first started feeling bad it felt like an instant i was feeling good the 30 seconds later i felt like a total waste of space. last year i went to a doctor and they put me in the hospital because how i was talking about death and how i thought about killing myself . i veiw myself as having the worst depression out there and i know thats not true . there is people with it alot worse then i have it. but i cant seem to find any comfort in thinking my not alone. it makes me feel even worse because so many people feel the same way i do. iss there no way out of feeling this bad? i wake up every single morning having this overwhelming feeling of sadness i want to just break down and cry other times its before i go to bed and im laying there trying to sleep and i cant . its starting to scare me i started keeping a knife next to my bed it was really messed up i tested what knifes i have in my house that could cut myself incase one day the pain was to much to bare and that scares me. i love my family all my friends moved away out of state so im at home by myself everyday for the last year. last year when i started feeling bad i got on some meds celexa and sum anxity meds xanax vistaril sleeping meds trazidone and risperidone for racing thoughts and lithium . my insureance got turned off after i turned 19 a few months ago and thats when my depression started kicking up again but before i came from nothing just siting at home watching tv after i got on meds and i can control my panic attacks and sadness i got myself a car a job i went back to school i got a gf i started having a life and i thought my depression was over . then rite before my birthday my car broke down then my school droped me from my classes because i missed 5days due to me not having a car and my job let me go so im back in my house doing nothing besides little jobs for people like helping them move. and im taking a few pills but i still feel bad .. i dont wanna say how i get a few of them but at the momment im taking my lithium prozac and seroquel i take the lithium and prozac in the morning and nothing happens i take the seroquel after 6pm and after i take that i feel sooooo much better. i can deal witht the pain but its the few hours from 8am to 6pm wich im worried i could possibly hurt myself. i have plenty of thoughts about killing myself. when i was put in the hospital they was worried because i told them how i would do it if i ever did it and i also said i can think of 1000 diffrent ways to kill myself and if i really wanted to do it i would leave no room to fail. i really have nothing to live for my mom is supporting me i do really nothing to ern my keep i have this fear of stuff that i shouldnt have. sense i was young i was forced to stay with my dad who i didnt like he drank out and thats as far back as i can remeber of panic attacks i dodnt know they were panic attacks untill a year ago. i just called it freaking out.. sense then ive been scared of staying the night over at anyones house. only if its planned if its a last minute thing i would stay. i have a fear of working to hard and passing out worked construction and i hated it and now i think of every job like that now. as u can see i have alot on my mind and no one to talk to thats y i turned to this website . my family does not want to hear me talking about my depression because they dont understand it. my mom says shes felt depressed and i jsut tell her mine is alot worse then ur depression. if u truly know what im going throw u would be more sensitive to me . i made an appointment at the health department and i got 20 more days to wait i made it last month i talked to a person for an hour who talks to me to sit if im fit to start there program and at then end of the meeting she took me to the office and made me an appointment with there doctor . but im scared of how im feeling rite now and between the 20days of waiting what i could do. and i have no one to talk to. i am constantly nervis thinking about everything and how pathetic i am.. if anyone is still reading this if u would like to talk to me please email me at brandonmilam1992@yahoo.com